Date: 2007-05-11 14:38 Subject: מוש שלי Security: Public In my heart: happy In my head: מוש בן ארי Tags: aliyah, hebrew, what i love about israel, מוש בן ארי

Mosh Ben Ari performed in Kikar Rabin the other night...for free. I get home so late from work these days and I'm always so tired...so I kind of just assumed I wouldn't make it. We parked the car at 7:30 and I called YK to see how the crowd was. His performance was scheduled for 9 and if the crowd was unbearable, I wasn't going to bother heading down. She happily told me that she had a table towards the front and that it wasn't crowded at all. I picked up the pace and headed to my apartment to drop off my bag before heading down to the square.

I arrived and made my way through the crowd to find YK and her friend. They really DID have a table sort of near the front and I was suddenly happy I'd hurried.

We sat and chatted and LL showed up. And then Mosh. And his wonderfulness. Nothing will ever beat the very first time I saw him perform but I swear I'll never get tired of it. Each time that I've seen him perform, I've always wondered if he'd play ועוד יום because it's only my most favorite song ever. Besides the fact that if LE and I were to have had a song, that would be it...besides that...it's just a most beautiful melody. And it was one of the first songs I translated. I remember sitting on the floor with YC and playing it over and over again so he could hear each word and help me understand the song.

Anyway, he's never performed it when I've seen him. It's a duet with a woman. And he's never had a woman up there to perform it with. So after singing a few songs on his own...when he announced that Din Din Aviv would be joining him on stage, I kind of had this feeling that I'd finally see him perform my song live. She is adorable and wonderful and I love to watch her perform. She gets really "into" it -- and you can tell she's really part of each word and note she sings. I saw her a few times on TV and she performed at the Yom HaZikaron ceremony last month. He gave her the spotlight and she sang her song מוכרת לי מפעם. I happily sang along and swayed with the crowd.

And then Mosh joined her. And I heard the first few notes of my song. And the tears just came out. I didn't really expect that reaction. I've been doing amazingly well lately -- not really thinking about him but working on myself and doing the things I need to do. The other day, the secretary at my job came over and started telling me this story about how she went to a dance class and the teacher was familiar to her. And she used the feminine form of the word "teacher" so I knew it wasn't him...but as she told her story, I was waiting for her to connect it to him...because otherwise she wouldn't be mentioning the story to me at all. And my heart was racing and I was thinking about how ridiculous it was that I couldn't even hear a story about dancers without panicking a little...or without having my heart hurt a little. The end of the story was that the teacher was on THIS season of the TV show that he was on. And I kind of just smiled...uncomfortable-like. I was really disappointed in my physical reaction to her words. I didn't realize that my heart would jump into my throat like that. But it did.

And so I watched the performance. And I cried. And I'm actually not really sure if I was crying because it's our song...or because it's just so beautiful. Or maybe I'm just dramatic and cry too much. Or maybe it was all of that.

But I stood there...in the middle of thousands of people...and I cried and sang and took it all in. And it was nearly perfect.

And as the performance wound down...he sang familiar songs and new songs...and just hearing his voice all around me made me warm. Well...his voice and the fact that they crammed thousands of dancing Israelis inside a tent in May made me warm. He exited the stage and we cheered for an encore. What it a Mosh Ben Ari concert without "V'eich sh'lo" ??

And out he came...and he sang it. And I joined in with the crowd. And as we all sang together...I looked around and for the first time, I actually felt part of that crowd. I knew all those words...the song reminds me of distant memories...just like all the Israelis in that tent. I smiled and felt proud of myself and kept on singing.

I think it was just what I needed.
Just what I needed...to remind me why I'm here.
That perhaps I moved to Israel to be with LE...and maybe it's not the best reason to move your life around the world. Especially considering it didn't work out...

But I made aliyah because I love Israel. I love the lemonana and I love Mosh Ben Ari. I love the Tel Aviv beach and the cafe culture. I love cafe hafuch and shnitzel...but not at the same time ;) I love fresh baked challah and the calmness of Shabbat -- even in the heart of the city. I love the park by my apartment and the "arsim" blaring bad trance music from their cars. I love hearing broken Hebrew everywhere and realizing that we're all immigrants and I love the kiosks where you can buy everything from beer to toilet paper to a portable grill. I love the way Israelis jump around with HUGE smiles and call it "dancing." I love the low-waisted jeans and t-shirts with sequins.

I love being here.
Despite the hard things.
Despite the culture shock.
Despite the constant uphill battle.

Thanks for the reminder, Mosh.

Date: 2007-01-21 09:35 Subject: Good things are coming my way... Security: Public In my heart: optimistic Tags: dating, hebrew, israel

I'm trying not to be TOO excited.
But I have a good feeling about this week.
I've met some new fun people recently and things are picking up.
Going out is fun.
Meeting people is intimidating but fun.
I wish I was meeting more native Israelis though. I won't lie.
It's just hard...where do you go for that? I mean...they're at the bar but by the time we're at the bar, we're so in our own dancing drinking world. Everything flows together.
I need a job in an office with young fun native Israelis.

I'm just feeling good about this week.
And I'm not going to say too much or be too excited.

But today is quite windy.
And I'm hoping something exciting is brewing out there.

Date: 2006-12-18 12:49 Subject: Oh a touring we will go... Security: Public In my heart: cold In my head: Pandora Tags: family, hebrew, israel

I am exhausted. I am on the verge of being sick. I am cold and tired and WOW being a tour guide is a lot of work. It's 11:44 a.m. and I'm not with my parents yet. We spent the day in Jerusalem yesterday and my friend IY served as our tour guide. The most important thing I wanted for them was to see the tunnels under the Kotel. We drove into town in the morning with MF and met IY at a gas station. We headed to Yemin Moshe to see the windmill and get a perspective of the Old City from the outside. IY gave a little history and we headed over to the gates. When we went in, we went directly to the tunnel tour and IY said he'd meet us on the other end. It's my favorite tour in Jerusalem and I enjoy it so much...but this time, I was with a group of random old American tourists. In the past, I've only done it with my own group so I never felt like I was suffering or anything...I actually enjoyed it. But this time...I felt like I was suffering. I think I hate American tourists. Isn't that horrible!? I mean...I was one for so long here. I visited so many times and was part of that. But now I live here and I have no patience for it. I'm not sure what that's about. It made me sad...I don't want to be a self-hating American Israeli type person. But I felt trapped in the tunnels with these crazy people with knee-high socks and fanny packs asking the stupidest questions that were actually JUST answered by the guide. I smiled though and endured and came out of the tunnels into the Via Dolorosa where IY snatched us away from the guard and took us on our own tour from there.

We did the Christian tour of Jerusalem yesterday. I had never seen any of this stuff or spent that much time in the Muslim Quarter before. Perhaps because I've always been with a big organized group and the Muslim Quarter isn't exactly the highlight of a Jewish trip to Jerusalem. Anyway...I appreciated all of it and learned a lot and saw so much more to Jerusalem than I had in the past.

We walked along the Via Dolorosa and saw the 14 stations of the cross...which I'd never even heard of. Christianity is this interesting part of my family that I never spent much time learning about. I mean...I grew up in America and was surrounded by church-going Baptists in the Bible Belt. I attended my fair share of masses with my mother's family and got to the point where it wasn't scary...it was just different from my own brand of religion. I appreciate the things my mother gave up to raise us in a Jewish home with Shabbat candles every Friday night. I appreciate seeing the traditions and customs of the rest of her family and it doesn't bother me to attend a service for the sake of being close to them. I don't believe it...I don't have that faith...but I love my mother's family and I enjoy spending time with them when I can.

Anyway...I'd never had the opportunity to see the Christian parts of Jerusalem...and it's such an integral part of their religion so it was interesting to see it. We visited the Church of the Holy Sepulchre and said our Shehechiyanu from atop an Austrian hostel overlooking the city. You say that particular prayer when you do things for the first time...and this was my parents' first visit to Jerusalem.

We continued wandering the Muslim Quarter and finally ended up in a hole-in-the-wall hummus restaurant for the best hummus I've ever eaten in my whole life. The best. It was unbelievable. I will have to find time to go back to the Muslim Quarter JUST to find this place to eat the hummus. We did some shopping and then headed out of the Old City and into "Modern Jerusalem."

IY thought it would be interesting to wander around Mea She'arim a bit since most tour groups don't do that. There are signs posted all over the area asking tour groups to respect their community by not entering and asking women to respect their modesty by only entering when wearing appropriate clothing (i.e. long skirt, long sleeves, no pants, no tight clothes, etc). Luckily I was prepared this time and had come wearing my long skirt and sweat pants underneath (because it's freaking cold in Jerusalem). My mom put a skirt over her jeans and we went in. It's like an entirely different planet. All the men with black hats and black suits. Women with head coverings. Children running around with peot. It's fascinating and beautiful and I find it to be quite organic. I just saw this interesting article about Mea She'arim in Ynet.

( Full article )

I do not choose this lifestyle for myself but I do see something peaceful there...there are some crazy Orthodox Jews though...just as there are some crazy Bible beating Christian zealots and crazy extremist Muslims. For me...I find moderation works well. Everything in moderation.

Anyway...it was fascinating.

We ended the day around 4 and headed back to Tel Aviv with MF. We got back around 5:30 and I parted ways with my parents until dinner at 8. I picked them up in a cab and we headed to Cafe Noir for the famous chicken schnitzel and a bottle of Israeli wine. I enjoyed it and we headed from there to Bazel for my favorite ice cream. Everyone was in a good mood.

I woke up this morning feeling like shit and am congested and coughing. I talked to my parents and they said they're happily heading to Yaffo on their own and they want me to rest and meet up with them in a bit. I'm feeling a bit guilty that I didn't head down there right away but I am so BLAH. Ugh.

I think they headed out about 30 minutes ago anyway. I will shower and get up and get a move on.

Oh...and I've been thoroughly NOT processing my break-up in the slightest. I'm so busy and life is so hectic right now. That's probably a good thing. Or maybe I am just...really not heartbroken. Is that possible? Perhaps. But I think if that's the case, it may have more to do with the fact that the reasoning behind it is just so fucking ridiculous. The anger is shifting from his parents towards him. I think he's lame.

And I've been seeing a bit of the Brazilian I met over the summer. Someone to keep my mind occupied. And he's freaking nice. He is nice and sweet and even though I don't at all want to date him...he makes me smile and that's enough for now.

And it helps that he can't speak English. It's like Hebrew lessons for free!

Date: 2006-11-29 13:28 Subject: Baby steps... Security: Public In my heart: accomplished Tags: hebrew

I just took part in the following conversation in Hebrew...

Me: Hi, D?

D: Yes, hello.

Me: Hi. I'm P's friend. You just spoke to E about me.

D: Yes.

Me: Is this a good time for you? Am I bothering you?

D: No. Not at all. How can I help you?

Me: Well I wanted to meet and talk. I am happy to buy you a coffee and pay for your time.

D: That sounds fine.

Me: I want to do this professionally. I really need help speaking Hebrew.

We went on to discuss times and locations and convenience and all of that

Me: The truth is that I've been living here more than a year now and I understand so much. But I am scared to talk.

D: To be honest, it doesn't sound like you're scared to talk.

Me: That's because I thought about this conversation for an hour before I called.

Laughter from both parties.

And so there it is, folks. I have arranged a tutor. She lives near me. She is a friend of a friend of a friend and she's a girl. An Israeli girl who has American parents or something. She promised to help me open my mouth and be more confident. She's not a tutor. I wonder if she's ever done this before. It doesn't much matter...I just want to sit with someone and have the opportunity to talk and learn.

So she's calling me this afternoon and we'll have coffee and I'll talk to her and she'll help me overcome this fear of speaking.

Isn't that amazing?

The world is full of nice people.
I have to remember that.

And so maybe this seems weird...that I'm kind of paying someone to be my friend. But I need to do it. I can't fall back into English. I need someone to pay attention to me and not make me feel bad. I need to be heard. I need to find my words...

Starting today.

Date: 2006-11-25 19:21 Subject: Ode to Mosh... Security: Public In my heart: tired In my head: מוש בן ארי Tags: aliyah, hebrew, israel, מוש בן ארי

I figure I talk about him so much, I should post a little ode to Mosh.
So here's my ode...to Mosh Ben Ari...

Date: 2006-02-15 09:46 Subject: דרכנו Security: Public In my heart: tired In my head: דרכנו Tags: aliyah, hebrew, song of the day

I translated the song (see entry like 2 posts down)...you know since I have an exam today that I haven't begun to study for. I needed something to help me procrastinate. So here it is...in all it's glory. The song that still makes me cry after like 4 years...

And the biggest thing here is that I just translated this myself. Only had to look up a few words. Four years ago...I asked someone else to translate it for me and never thought I'd EVER be able to translate a song. I should give myself more credit...

...on a lot of things...



דרכנו
"Our Path"

The candle light is mixed with the light of the moon.
On the pillow your hair is spilled.
In the window, the treetops are blossoming.
And the quiet returned, we see according to the smile.

There was a storm, here passing through her.
And your face again is peaceful like the face of the sea.
With the light, we need to walk on.
Many more paths, the journey still isn't finished.

It's not easy. Our path isn't easy.
And your eyes are sometimes sad.
There are other flowering fields before us.
Other tall mountains, and cold summits.

There are shards of light in your tears
And again a smile finds its way to me
All our good things before you
Put your head on my shoulder, put your hand in mine.

The candle hasn't yet gone out
The blessed quiet hasn't yet been defeated
The noise of the day will begin to split.
You won't walk on your own. I will be there with you.

It's not easy. Our path isn't easy.
And your eyes are sometimes sad.
There are other flowering fields before us.
Other tall mountains, and cold summits.

Date: 2006-02-14 12:47 Subject: Oh yeah...I almost forgot... Security: Public In my heart: melancholy In my head: דרכנו Tags: aliyah, hebrew, song of the day

I was sitting here trying to recall the reasons I made aliyah...and this song came over the loud speaker. I'm sitting in a coffee shop in my little town and I was trying to make a list for myself. Something to focus on or something. Anyway...this song came on and I remembered my trip in 2002. I just need to focus on that trip and on my experiences during that time. It's not like I don't have my reasons for being here...but now is the time I really need to find them and remember them...and focus on them rather than on him.

I'm going to translate this song later...for the English speakers...and because it's also good practice for me.