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Mosh Ben Ari performed in Kikar Rabin the other night...for free. I get home so late from work these days and I'm always so tired...so I kind of just assumed I wouldn't make it. We parked the car at 7:30 and I called YK to see how the crowd was. His performance was scheduled for 9 and if the crowd was unbearable, I wasn't going to bother heading down. She happily told me that she had a table towards the front and that it wasn't crowded at all. I picked up the pace and headed to my apartment to drop off my bag before heading down to the square.
I arrived and made my way through the crowd to find YK and her friend. They really DID have a table sort of near the front and I was suddenly happy I'd hurried.
We sat and chatted and LL showed up. And then Mosh. And his wonderfulness. Nothing will ever beat the very first time I saw him perform but I swear I'll never get tired of it. Each time that I've seen him perform, I've always wondered if he'd play ועוד יום because it's only my most favorite song ever. Besides the fact that if LE and I were to have had a song, that would be it...besides that...it's just a most beautiful melody. And it was one of the first songs I translated. I remember sitting on the floor with YC and playing it over and over again so he could hear each word and help me understand the song.
Anyway, he's never performed it when I've seen him. It's a duet with a woman. And he's never had a woman up there to perform it with. So after singing a few songs on his own...when he announced that Din Din Aviv would be joining him on stage, I kind of had this feeling that I'd finally see him perform my song live. She is adorable and wonderful and I love to watch her perform. She gets really "into" it -- and you can tell she's really part of each word and note she sings. I saw her a few times on TV and she performed at the Yom HaZikaron ceremony last month. He gave her the spotlight and she sang her song מוכרת לי מפעם. I happily sang along and swayed with the crowd.
And then Mosh joined her. And I heard the first few notes of my song. And the tears just came out. I didn't really expect that reaction. I've been doing amazingly well lately -- not really thinking about him but working on myself and doing the things I need to do. The other day, the secretary at my job came over and started telling me this story about how she went to a dance class and the teacher was familiar to her. And she used the feminine form of the word "teacher" so I knew it wasn't him...but as she told her story, I was waiting for her to connect it to him...because otherwise she wouldn't be mentioning the story to me at all. And my heart was racing and I was thinking about how ridiculous it was that I couldn't even hear a story about dancers without panicking a little...or without having my heart hurt a little. The end of the story was that the teacher was on THIS season of the TV show that he was on. And I kind of just smiled...uncomfortable-like. I was really disappointed in my physical reaction to her words. I didn't realize that my heart would jump into my throat like that. But it did.
And so I watched the performance. And I cried. And I'm actually not really sure if I was crying because it's our song...or because it's just so beautiful. Or maybe I'm just dramatic and cry too much. Or maybe it was all of that.
But I stood there...in the middle of thousands of people...and I cried and sang and took it all in. And it was nearly perfect.
And as the performance wound down...he sang familiar songs and new songs...and just hearing his voice all around me made me warm. Well...his voice and the fact that they crammed thousands of dancing Israelis inside a tent in May made me warm. He exited the stage and we cheered for an encore. What it a Mosh Ben Ari concert without "V'eich sh'lo" ??
And out he came...and he sang it. And I joined in with the crowd. And as we all sang together...I looked around and for the first time, I actually felt part of that crowd. I knew all those words...the song reminds me of distant memories...just like all the Israelis in that tent. I smiled and felt proud of myself and kept on singing.
I think it was just what I needed.
Just what I needed...to remind me why I'm here.
That perhaps I moved to Israel to be with LE...and maybe it's not the best reason to move your life around the world. Especially considering it didn't work out...
But I made aliyah because I love Israel. I love the lemonana and I love Mosh Ben Ari. I love the Tel Aviv beach and the cafe culture. I love cafe hafuch and shnitzel...but not at the same time ;) I love fresh baked challah and the calmness of Shabbat -- even in the heart of the city. I love the park by my apartment and the "arsim" blaring bad trance music from their cars. I love hearing broken Hebrew everywhere and realizing that we're all immigrants and I love the kiosks where you can buy everything from beer to toilet paper to a portable grill. I love the way Israelis jump around with HUGE smiles and call it "dancing." I love the low-waisted jeans and t-shirts with sequins.
I love being here.
Despite the hard things.
Despite the culture shock.
Despite the constant uphill battle.
Thanks for the reminder, Mosh.
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So I'm busy re-framing a lot. Relationships changing. People changing. Standards changing. I think life is kind of funny sometimes...the patterns we repeat and the habits we can't break.
I think 2007 has so far been quite introspective for me. It's kind of sad and wonderful...strange and exciting to think about how much I grew in 2006 and how I've ended up where I have. It's weird to think about who is around me these days and who is close. Who has been replaced or refiled. Who has been moved or shuffled in my relationship armoire.
That's been a theme here for 2007. Like imagine everyone you know is in some drawer in an armoire of relationships. Sometimes you have to move people from one drawer to another because of circumstances or time...or whatever.
It's weird that I've come up with this analogy at all considering that I hate being put into a box and labeled. But it's not really a box and it's not really a label. They're drawers and they're movable and they get shuffled. And sometimes it IS that simple...someone just goes from the top drawer...the one that houses the secrets and fears and keys to hearts and all of that...and at the blink of an eye, they request to be moved...or I just have to move them...
I think I've just had a lot of practice in my life.
Moving people around.
Finding the drawer that fits them best.
Either because they asked or because something happened and I realized that it needed to be done regardless.
Because it's not like you want to just erase someone. Perhaps you learned a lesson from him or her. Perhaps you overcame a challenging period of life together.
Some people are for a reason.
Some for a season.
Some forever.
Isn't that the saying?
So I rather like to think that people don't necessarily have to just stick around for a season. You can extend the half-life by simply finding a new drawer.
Like LE. He's not been thrown into the waste basket. He just asked to be moved from that top drawer. He saw the contents and you know...it's stressful being there and seeing it. He wasn't ready for all that. I was a bit unstable upon my arrival. As to be expected. I just think as much as he says he's realistic and all of that...he is a romantic dreamer. He had this vision in his head that turned out to be a little darker when it came to real life fruition. I'm not sorry for being unstable. I moved here alone, didn't I?
I made a gamble.
In some respects, I lost.
In other ways...in bigger ways...in ways that I hadn't planned on...I gained.
I'm still here, aren't I?
I laid on the grass in the park the other day. Smiling and laughing. Looking at the clouds as they changed shapes and moved through the bluest sky. I laid there for hours. Not a care in the world but what was happening in the grass.
"Is this the best you ever?" he asked.
I didn't even really have to stop and think about it. I blurted out my "YES" with a huge grin and thought about how freaking far I've come to get to that very moment in a Tel Aviv park. My instability is stabilizing.
It's like being on a seesaw and having different partners rotate...and slowly slowly...the opposing force facing you becomes more and more like-minded...more and more of an equal...to the point where eventually, the forces of balance even out. And the ups and downs aren't nearly as dramatic. But you're still on a seesaw and you're still riding it out.
And I'm amazed at how many metaphors I just used in this one entry.
But it's all true.
I am the best me so far.
I'm happy and facing forward.
Funny how Israel has brought out the very best and they very worst points in my life. All in the span of a year and a half. The highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. Professionally, emotionally, physically, mentally.
If I'm the best me so far at 19 months in...I'm kind of looking forward to the rest of the ride.
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And so...I am a nerd.
And I have nerdy friends.
And we like to sit around and tell funny stories and then dream up web sites and entrepreneurial ideas...branding and packaging.
We think everyone should share in our humor.
Because we think we're hilarious :)
So it is with great pleasure that I announce the launching of our newest venture.
Zabaj: The junk in Israel's trunkIt's a new blog that chronicles the ridiculousness that is life as an immigrant in Israel. Or life in Israel in general...because sometimes it's ridiculous :) Feel free to comment. Tell me what you think. If you've got stories of your own, feel free to email them to me and I'd be happy to post them for you.
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Now that I live in Israel, so much of life is either orthodox or secular. Religious things are REALLY religious and not really anything in the middle like I'm used to. It's kind of lovely and interesting...and a bit frustrating at times. I find myself wondering why I don't know certain prayers or why I can't read along as fast in the prayer book...or wondering WHERE we are in the prayer book. But I've been to synagogue for a Friday night service. I've been with different families with different traditions for different holidays.
As most of you know...I'm not the most observant Jew in the world. I worked my entire pre-Aliyah life as a professional Jew but now that I'm here in Israel...I'm working in the secular world. I believe that it's enough for me to be here in Israel...being part of this Jewish homeland...living my Zionist dream and being part of the greater Zionist dream. A lot of things about the ultra-orthodox Jewish world bother me -- and at the same time, a lot of things make me smile. I admire those who believe in something and feel passionately about it...whatever it may be. I admire the structure and see beauty in the traditions.
I just haven't necessarily chosen to adhere to all of those traditions for myself. I can, however, appreciate it. I'm grateful for the opportunity I've been given this year to meet new people from all kinds of different religious backgrounds. I've spent Shabbat in Jerusalem with Yeshiva boys and their wives. I've had a drink with people who never lit Shabbat candles before or spent their childhoods celebrating Christmas because it was easier. It's allowed me to consider my own background and childhood -- lighting the candles on Fridays and enjoying a family seder in our own special way. I come from a special family with parents who made sacrifices for us to have our own family traditions and now that I'm here and away from it, I recognize it and appreciate it more and more.
And so living here, I've learned a lot more about the structure of the Rabbinate...the rabbinic council. A lot of rabbinic rulings are really hard for me to accept and I have found myself disgusted with these decisions from time to time. I'm learning about myself and what I want for my own children (whenever that may be!!) and know that right now I'm more into freedom and individualism...figuring things out for myself and things like that...I always have been...I've always marched to the beat of my own drum.
So today, I smiled when I read this article on Ynet.
The headline reads:
Soldiers exempted from Tisha B'Av fast
Chief rabbis rule that 'due to the combat situation of our fighters on the front, all soldiers involved in combat are exempt from fasting on Tisha B'Av.
I know it seems a weird thing to smile about. But the article made me feel good. These brave soldiers are being told to worry about their duties and their lives...and the importance of this battle to protect our homeland. They are ALREADY suffering. They don't need to bear the burden of suffering through a fast to remember the destruction of the temples while they are fighting to prevent the destruction of what we've built since then.
The article then states:
The rabbis also called on "all of our brothers in the House of Israel in all places of their residence, in Israel and the world, and in general our dear brothers who during their days do not ensure to fast properly, to make a special effort to strengthen the Israeli people and its unity, and to hold the fast of Tisha B'Av.
What is Tisha B'Av? It's a fast day to commemorate what has been called the saddest day in Jewish history. Why the saddest? Because on this day, more than 500 years apart, the first and second temples were destroyed. There's more information about it here.
Did you know we're supposed to fast? I mean...I've fasted for Tisha B'Av before but I never really felt connected to it. I even climbed Masada on Tisha B'Av...2004. I just never felt connected to it. I never felt sad.
But I think this year, I will fast again. I think this year is different. I'm living in Israel now and have chosen to make it my own homeland. With the great suffering in the North right now...and my friends going off to fight at the front lines...and other friends spending hours and hours in bomb shelters...and me here, in Tel Aviv - my bubble - I want to fast on Thursday and to suffer a little bit. I want this opportunity to connect to myself and my surroundings.
And so I've completed an entire year of my new life in Israel. Every minute is new and exciting. Every day is a challenge and every day I love this place even more. I'm not scared here. I'm not suffering. In fact, it's quite the opposite...I'm opening up and looking forward to each new challenge as it comes my way. I'm talking to strangers in the street and traveling to new towns on my own. I'm accomplishing so much and feeling really great about it.
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Happy aliyah anniversary to me!
One year and still going...
One. Freaking. Year.
This time last year, I was sitting in the airport with LE as we waited for them to finish the funny "welcoming ceremony." We were beaming with happiness. From there, we went to his house so I could shower and collect myself before heading to the absorption center.
Isn't it crazy?
A year ago, Israel was on the verge of the disengagement and today, Israel is in the midst of craziness in Lebanon.
And through it all, my love for Israel has just grown.
Every day it grows.
LE and I sent text messages back and forth in the middle of the night last night. I wanted to know that he's ok...and I figured he wouldn't answer a phone call. Text messages are informal and non-binding. It's sort of like...it's part of the culture here to send text messages when you don't really want to talk to someone. He's fine. Of course he is. He promised again to call me if they call him. He congratulated me on making it to my one year anniversary. I cried a little bit when I was thinking about it. I'm getting better about it though. It's not as heartwrenching...it's not as constant. I just get sad every now and then...and I stop to think about it for a few minutes, let myself be sad and cry if I need to, and then I move on.
I've come a long way in these 52 weeks. I've learned a lot about myself...my strengths and weaknesses, my fears, my faults, my strong points. Aliyah has been more than just a journey home...it has been a journey inside myself...and I'm thankful I've had this opportunity to get to know me better.
And of course I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to be here...in Israel. For all those people who say it doesn't matter where you are...that happiness has to come from inside...well I kind of think they say that because they've never been to Israel. Despite the lowest lows...this place has filled me up. And I love it.
Happy one year anniversary to me!
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I was in Beit Shemesh today for work. I took the train from Tel Aviv because I like to take the train if I can -- it's much preferred over buses. Anyway, I worked all day in Beit Shemesh and caught the train back to Tel Aviv. I had to sit and wait in the Beit Shemesh station for about 30 minutes because there's only one train each hour. One thing I noticed about this station is that all the benches outside on the platforms are uncovered. Why would you put UNCOVERED benches on a platform in Israel where it's sweltering hot? Why? I kind of laughed about it and found a little patch of shade to sit under.
The train finally came and I headed home to Tel Aviv. When I arrived at my station, I made my way to the cab line. I'm still following the rule that I made for myself -- if I take a train or bus from a far away place and end up somewhere in Tel Aviv, I'm allowed to take a cab from the train/bus station to my apartment because who wants to wait for a bus after all of that!? So I hopped in a cab and we pulled out of the space...only to find ourselves sitting in a line of traffic...IN the station! Seriously...a traffic jam.
I sat quietly in the back and figured we'd move soon. After about 5 minutes, I heard a popping noise and someone sitting outside on a bench kind of jumped out of fear. I thought a car had backfired. I looked and realized that the entire bus parking lot was empty. And then three more pops...
And I asked the cab driver what was going on.
חפץ חשוד
A suspicious object.
They had cleared out the parking lot of a huge major bus/train station in Tel Aviv so that the military could come in and blow up a suspicious object in controlled circumstances.
I told the driver that I'd never seen it before. He asked me where I was from. He asked me if I was one of those "Zionists." We chatted a bit until they opened everything back up for traffic to move. I realized that the meter had been running the whole time. I wasn't going to mention it...I was too tired and didn't really want to argue over who has to pay for the time you sit in traffic due to possibly life threatening circumstances. We drove on and continued chatting about my aliyah.
As we approached my street, I heard him click off the meter and run a receipt. We weren't really close to my apartment yet but I thought maybe he was just clearing the meter or something -- I don't know anything about what cab drivers have to do with those things. When we got to my apartment, he apologized at least 8 times that I had to sit in the cab with him during the "balagan" (mess) earlier. He had stopped the meter because he didn't think I should have to pay the whole thing...me being a Zionist and not ever having witnessed the process of destroying suspicious objects. He just kept apologizing...as though it was his fault...or as though he was my father and felt some kind of duty to protect me from the real world. I paid him and assured him I was ok...this is our life...we live here and this is just one of those unfortunate parts of the reality of it.
And I got out of the cab and went home...and life continued as normal.
I guess there's a first time for everything.
I kind of prefer that I not have to deal with anything like that again for a long while...
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...the mice will play.
I took a real lunch break today. My boss is traveling so I knew the phone wouldn't be ringing like crazy so I met a new friend for lunch. I even walked further than Bazel to dine in a different area today. And I didn't watch my clock the whole time. And I enjoyed it.
I took him to Cafe Hillel because he hadn't ever been there...he's not Israeli. He's just in town for the week for a wedding. We went to the same wedding, actually. That's where I met him. He's nice. Anyway, he'd never been to Cafe Hillel and I happen to think that Cafe Hillel is a staple of life in Israel. The salads are always good. The sandwiches are always good. They have lemon-nana. I've never had a bad experience there. My favorite salad is the house salad. It has chunks of fried feta cheese on it and it's amazing.
So I sat and drank my lemon-nana. I asked for avocado on my salad. They gave me an entire half of an avocado for free. I smiled. I love this country. I love that they're not stingy with avocados. I love that it doesn't cost anything to add the delicious-ness to my salads or sandwiches. I love lemon-nana. I love sidewalk cafes in the afternoon.
I love this country and all the craziness within it.
Why?
Because I can always be persuaded when food is involved.
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Really...I have adjusted pretty well to life in Israel but I cannot for the life of me get used to this whole "noon" and "afternoon" thing.
For 28 years..."noon" meant 12 o'clock -- midday.
That's how it is in the world. Noon = midday = 12 o'clock.
Now, suddenly, I have to get used to the concept that in Israel "noon" means anything after 12:00 until 4:00 p.m. and you have to be specific. Even worse is that it typically means 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. It's this WHOLE block of freaking time that people are so ambiguous about...and it doesn't even really include the actual NOON.
And "afternoon"? Well "afternoon" refers to the time between 4 p.m. and dinner time.
Why?
I mean...according to Mirriam Webster, "noon" is 12 o'clock midday.
It's not just some rule I made up.
Ugh.
I can't get used to it.
It's so hard to like CHANGE the MEANING of a word.
I love this country but GIVE ME A BREAK!
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Yesterday was a national holiday for Israel. Why? Because that's how they get people to vote. Business is closed and people have time to get to their polling stations to cast votes. Israel has something like 60-70% voter turn out due to this concept. The US could learn a lot.
So I was out late for work on Monday night--until like 1 a.m. Oy...that is another story all together. I should take the time to share...forgot I wanted to journal it.
So Monday I had a big fundraiser to attend for work. It was in Yaffo so I took a cab down around 6 to meet my boss beforehand and help her prepare for her part. I arrived first so I scoped out the area and noticed a man with a hat sitting on a park bench under a tree. I didn't give him much thought and kind of thought he might be an old religious man waiting for someone. Nevertheless, I didn't want to sit and wait near him because I'm not into sharing space like that. I crossed the street and sat under a streetlight and waited. Good time to catch up with friends and whatnot so I called SM to say "hi" and check in with her. We were talking a bit and I noticed the man get up at some point. I saw him crossing the street and I got nervous. Not sure why. People don't usually make me nervous but I immediately felt all tense and held my purse close to me. I continued chatting with SM and next thing I know, the man is in my face asking me where I'm from and making me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in my whole entire life. I backed away and said "Tel Aviv."
"No you're not. Don't lie to me," he responded. He took another step towards me.
I didn't hang up the phone. I started walking away from him...towards the string of restaurants on the road and told him he was too close. I told him he was making me uncomfortable and I moved a bit quicker...found the first restaurant with an outdoor patio and entered. He quickly snuck off behind the building and I sat down. Hung up the phone and was approached by the waiter who spoke not one single word of English -- I tried to figure out if he'd noticed what had happened but he didn't. I told him, in broken Hebrew, that I was really stressed and bothered by this man and that I just wanted a cup of coffee so that I could sit and wait for my boss. We talked a bit. He brought me coffee and told me to relax. At some point, the rest of the employees showed up and approached me...told me to relax and that if the man came back, to just let them know and they would take care of it. I was safe, they said. I waited and finally my boss showed up and we sat on the patio for a minute before getting up to go to our function. I asked for the bill but was quickly assured that I didn't need to pay for my coffee after all I'd been through. I insisted. They told me they would prefer that I return to the restaurant with friends sometime so that I could sit down for a meal. I promised I would and we left.
Good karma.
Not sure if that would've happened in America. Don't think it would've. Not the scary man part but the kindness of strangers part. I love this country for that.
Anyway...I was out late that night and woke up early on Tuesday. I had to go back to the old town where I moved from in order to vote because that's where I was registered. I didn't want to take the 45 minute bus ride. I was exhausted and cranky. But as I lay there in bed, I reminded myself that I'm a new immigrant and I moved to this country in order to live the Zionist dream. I wanted to take an active role in my community. So I got up and made the trek and found my polling booth.
Voting in Israel is CONFUSING. I'd read several articles and brochures ahead of time so I'd know what to expect. There was mention of cards with letters printed on them. You're supposed to find the card of your party and put it in an envelope. There are like 30 parties. I was overwhelmed by the array of Hebrew letters before me but I knew how I wanted to vote and went straight to the card I thought was correct. They don't print the whole party name really big...it's just a random letter or two SYMBOLIZING the party. I did what I felt was logical and felt really awesome that I had done everything independently.
Go me, right?
I came to find out later...only because of my bragging to an Israeli friend about my independence and voting capabilities that I had not, in fact, voted for the party I'd intended to. I had either voted for the Green party (not horrible) or an Arab party (so not along the lines of my political views in this country!!!).
I cried.
What had I done? I threw my vote away. My first opportunity to take part in the community here...to be a part of Israeli society and I'd most likely thrown my vote to an Arab party who's platform was unknown by anyone I know. Regardless of what their stance is on anything, I feel safe to assume that it's not what I think is in the best interest of the Jewish state.
I'm even embarrassed writing this but I have to document it and embrace it as part of my aliyah experience. It's a mistake that I've learned from and look forward to rectifying in the future. For now...it seems as though that party did not win ANY seats and for this -- I am thankful. I can only imagine what was going through the heads of the people counting votes in that little Anglo (English speaking) community where I voted.
I feel like an idiot.
"Why didn't you ask someone?" I was asked.
Duh. Because I totally thought I did it right. I wasn't perplexed or confused. I went and found the letter I was looking for and put it in my envelope. I was being independent. It's so weird to be living in a place and to MISS so much of what's going on around you because you don't know what's REALLY being said or written.
And here I am proclaiming my idiocy in a public forum but I actually think it's important. It's important for me to share my experience of being completely lost in my own country...a country that I'm growing to love a bit more every single day despite the difficulties. Despite my lack of understanding. Despite my ignorance. Why? Because I'm learning and growing more here than I ever have in the past and for this...I am grateful.
I should have stayed in bed...
I did manage to get to Ikea and purchase a desk and chair for my bedroom. Praise the LORD for that...I can't wait to get everything up off the floor. Wanted to buy a wardrobe there too but they were sold out -- long story ending in tears -- I'll spare you the agony of reading the story. In the end, I found one later in the evening at Ace and it will be delivered by Sunday.
I spent about 2000 shekels -- and I'm so looking forward to assembling all my new furniture and getting my life in order.
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I went north for the Mosh Ben Ari show last night. After much debating and considering my energy levels and debating the appropriateness of going out really late when I know I have tons of work to do...after ALL of that...I threw caution to the wind and went. I mean, really folks, it's my first Purim in Israel and it's like a mitzah to get drunk...so drunk that you can't tell the difference between the villain and the hero of the story (found in the Book of Esther).
I also love Mosh Ben Ari and he lives in Australia these days so how often will I get to see him live on stage?
I also need to get out more and stop thinking about LE and what he might be doing...what we might have been doing together to celebrate...I need to get over all of that and move on. Anyway, the latest is that I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he's seeing someone. Weird, isn't it? I just know I haven't spoken one single word or exchanged a single e-mail or text message with him in two weeks now. He has a lot of growing up to do and I hope he's doing it. Or maybe he isn't. Maybe he just resorted to being young and alone and not wanted to find out his own potential. That is also an option. Wouldn't it be a waste?
Anyway...LL convinced me to get my crap together and go out last night. I coordinated with YH and he agreed to give us a ride so LL came over and we waited. When YH arrived, I recognized one of the friends in the car and met the other. We drove north and arrived at a surreal surreal place. A lot of the people were in costume, as is customary, but there were some (like us) who were not. The crowd was really mixed...young and old...beautiful and less beautiful...dancing and sitting...drinking and smoking...drugs and chaos. The place wasn't that full so it's not like people were hanging off the walls or anything but it was definitely fun to watch for a while. We drank and prepared ourselves for the performance...I was excited.
Mosh kept walking by us...to the bar and the bathroom and all around the venue. I watched his head bob through the crowd...he's pretty tall and easy to spot. LL had had a few drinks and decided that it was her turn to meet him. She wandered over and approached him and told him (in Hebrew) that his music was really special and he has a wonderful voice and that she heard his music a while ago and that's it's been a big part of her aliyah. She wasn't really sure what to expect but he just kind of looked at her and said (in English), "Thank you very much."
And that was it.
I mean...he's not the warmest person on earth. I thought it was just me and the uncomfortable-ness of my unfortunate meeting...but it was actually not completely the fault of myself or the creepy H guy. Mosh is also apparently a bit uncomfortable with random people and doesn't get in there and make everyone feel loved...you know, since we are the ones buying his albums and paying 100 shekels a pop to see him in concert...three times in 6 months, even.
It's ok though...no one is perfect. Maybe this is what makes him more human. He had been almost mythical in my head. His voice and lyrics and music and existence. And now I know that he's a bit shy or awkward or uncomfortable...and that means he's human.
It's lovely, actually.
So I drank a lot. Danced a lot. Filled my soul with beautiful music and felt really good. I love this country. I love that I went to a Mosh Ben Ari concert and he opened the set with two classic Purim songs and the crowd was wild and dancing and singing together. I love that I went to two Mosh performances in one week and he played exactly the same songs...maybe in a different order...and I didn't care. Every word was a breath of fresh air. I love that I can sing along to lots of his songs and every time I sing, I understand ONE MORE word or ONE MORE phrase...and it's like putting puzzles together.
I love that we're all Jews here...well not all of us but you know, we're not a minority...and we all celebrate our holidays and rejoice and sing and dance when we can. I love that I am here and that I'm settling into a life and a routine. I love that I had this inside of me and that I was brave enough to get myself here. I love that LE re-lit a candle that had started to wane and now I have taken that little flame and started to build a fire...even without him. I've surprised myself in many ways in the last 12 months of my life. I'm doing things I never thought I could...and I'm doing it pretty darn well.
I love this country.
Thank G-d I am lucky enough to be here.
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I'm sitting in my new apartment in Tel Aviv. The salon door is wide open and I can see palm trees right outside. My roommate is still asleep and the dog keeps wandering around...stopping to take naps in corners. There is traffic noise coming though the windows and I'm amazed at how alive it feels on a Saturday. In the town I moved from, everything closed on Friday afternoon and streets were basically empty. There was no chance of buying last minute groceries after dark because the community was fairly religious and once Shabbat came, everyone retreated to their homes. Yesterday afternoon, HK and I wandered over to the 24-hour grocery store located right across the street from my apartment. It wasn't really even afternoon...it was like 6 p.m. That could never have happened in the other town.
I didn't need to do a major shop just yet but I wanted to make sure I could get through the weekend. It seems as though my roommate (we'll call him NC from here on out) does not cook or eat at home very much. I'm hoping he'll let me cook for him every now and again...cooking for one is the worst and I'm afraid that if I have to cook for myself all the time...I just won't.
I read a little "Harry Potter" and took a tiny nap. I woke up and had a cigarette with NC and talked about life and stuff. He asked about LE and we talked about aliyah and finding apartments. I told him the story about how this was the first apartment I saw on my own and that when we got along, it was like a sign that this is where I needed to live. It's hard to explain to an Israeli a) why the hell I'm here and b) how hard little things like finding an apartment are. All of this was in Hebrew, mind you. Now that I've got Kita Gimmel (3rd level) certification from that big Hebrew test I took (WOW!!!) I am trying to talk more. I think I just needed someone official to tell me that I do, in fact, have words to use. He's being really helpful although he openly admits that his grammer is awful. He said he'll try to speak properly for me. I'm a bit worried though because when I ask him to repeat things or ask him to explain something I didn't catch, he switches to English. I think he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable and I appreciate it but I'm not sure that's going to help me improve. Anyway, I really like him and I am really happy I'm here.
LL, HK and I had Shabbat dinner together and then walked up to a bar to meet NC. His friend was supposed to come too but never showed. We took shots, laughed, talked and had a good time. NC introduced us to his favorite neighborhood bar and we enjoyed quite a few drinks there before heading to a bar owned by a guy whose apartment I had seen back when I first started looking. Complicated story but basically HK and LL came with me to that one...I thought I was in for sure...HK thought the guy was cute...I didn't end up living there but HK ended up going to his bar and now they're kind of hanging out. Funny, random story.
ANYWAY...the goals for this week include purchasing a bed, a closet and a desk. I haven't unpacked anything because I have nowhere to put it. I'm sleeping on a spare couch in my bedroom and other than that...the room is void of furniture. It's funny and I feel like I'm really really new or something. It's been a really long time since I've been able to move all my worldy possessions in one car load...it's like being in college again or something. A fresh start...a new slate.
Once I have my bed and closet, I will unpack and get my room in order. I have to call LE at some point to do the "exchange." He has my t-shirt and I want to return the comforter and television his family lent me. I want to wait though...until I'm unpacked and looking settled. I want him to come by and see how well I've managed to get along without his help. I want him to see that I can handle my shit and that he didn't need to be so protective of me. I think we got trapped in a little bit of a cycle there. When I first arrived, I really couldn't do anything for myself...I didn't have the language and I wasn't ready for bus rides or anything like that. But at some point, I could have done it on my own...but LE had become used to taking care of me...and I liked it and he liked it...and we just continued that way and it probably was quite unhealthy. I mean...it was definitely quite unhealthy. Anyway...I want him to see that I am ok and I want him to realize that I can be alright without him.
I am the one with the upper hand now. He's the one who is weak. Not that this is a game or anything...but I have to be the one who wins for myself. I am the one who has to pick myself up and make a new life. I am the one who is here alone. It's all me.
I took pictures of the absorption center before I left and as soon as I get some furniture in my room, I'll take some pictures here too. The difference is night and day...I'm waking up and I'm feeling alive again. I live in Tel Aviv now...I'm spending my first weekend HERE in this fabulous city full of life!
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I am packing.
I am moving to Tel Aviv tomorrow.
I am closing the first chapter of my Aliyah and starting a new one...
Can't WAIT to see what adventures are in store for me!
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Sometimes I sit here in my crackhouse apartment and I stare at the walls of peeling paint. I wonder who lived here before me and what he or she is doing now. This building has probably been here for 20 years or so...maybe more...I have no idea, actually. Anyway, so many different kinds of immigrants have slept in this room and gone on to do other things. I wonder who succeeded and who didn't. I wonder who still lives here and who has families...who went back to their native lands...who learned Hebrew...who gave up...who found jobs and a life...who found love and started a family...
I wonder where I'll be in a year's time.
A year ago I was crying in a lonely apartment...longing to be in Israel with the boy who really loves me. I trudged through the days holding on to the thought that he was here...loving me as best he could.
And today...I'm sitting in another lonely apartment...but in Israel....longing to be with a boy who really loves me. I'm not trudging anymore but picking myself up. He's still here...loving me as best he can...which just isn't enough right now...
And I think I'm ok with that.
At least I'm here. Being in Israel is a start. And as I begin to pack my things and venture on to the next chapter of this book...I get excited just thinking about the people out there I'm yet to meet...the books I'm yet to read...the words I'm yet to learn...the songs I'm yet to sing...
And it makes me smile.
Because although I may not be with that boy right now...I will be with one eventually...and I know there's a plan for me and I'm starting to accept that. Whether it's with LE or someone else...I'm going to have a life full of love and laughter and happiness.
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...to me.
7 months since Aliyah.
I have a job.
I am getting through school...about halfway there now...
I am most likely moving to Tel Aviv on Thursday (have to sign the lease on Tuesday)...
Life is not so bad.
I can't wait to be in Tel Aviv.
Everything will be so much more fabulous from Tel Aviv.
I will have a new room mate...a nice guy who will speak Hebrew to me and be my friend.
He has a cute dog and he's a musician in his spare time so maybe he'll play guitar for me when I'm sad.
He told me we're going for drinks when I move in.
I can't freaking WAIT!
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I'm picking up my lease tomorrow.
I am scared to say out loud that this is really happening...what if something goes wrong?
What if he doesn't call me when he's ready for me to come by?
I just can't really grasp the idea that this might be my last weekend in the absorption center...that I'm finally moving to a real apartment and a new life in Tel Aviv. It's such a bizarre feeling!
Surreal, almost.
Cross fingers and toes for me...I want this to work out!
Song of the moment...
מחר
ביצוע: אביב גפן
מילים: אביב גפן
את לא שמעת,
הוא עמד שם וקרא לך,
בזמן שאת איבדת עניין.
הוא לא האמין שזה יקרה לך.
כבר כמה זמן את נכנסת והולכת,
מסירה את האיפור,
בזמן שהוא עם לב שבור בחדר.
זה נגמר.
מחר, מחר,
תמיד נשאר מחר.
מחר, מחר ,
תמיד נשאר מחר.
זר לא מוכר,
אחרי הרבה שנים ביחד.
איך היא כל-כך רחוקה,
רק נהית יפה יותר וחזקה.
ואתה במכונית מחפש אותה בלילה,
ממסיבה למסיבה.
כמה מסיבות יש כבר בעיר הזאת בכלל.
מחר, מחר,
תמיד נשאר מחר.
מחר, מחר,
תמיד נשאר מחר.
חבקי אותי חזק,
לפני שזה נגמר.
חבקי אותי חזק,
כאילו אין מחר.
תמיד נשאר מחר.
TomorrowBy Aviv Geffen You didn't hear, He was there and he called to you, In that time you lost your concerns. It's not real what happened to you. It's already been some time since you have started and are going, You removed your make-up, In the time that he with the broken heart is in the room (note from me: I am not sure what he's trying to say here) It's finished. Tomorrow, tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. Strange not familiar, After many years together. How she is so distant, Only you became beautiful and more strong. And you in the car search for her at night, From party to party. How many parties are in this city in general. Tomorrow, tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. Hug me strong, Before it's over. Hug me strong, It's like there's no tomorrow...
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Everything is coming together. I finally went on my own to look for apartments on Monday. I went to SA's apartment in Tel Aviv after my meetings in Jerusalem. He was kind enough to meet me on the street and give me keys and encouragement. He's so sweet to me and I was so grateful. I had hoped he'd be able to take time from work and go with me but he couldn't...so I was alone.
LL and HK had been so so helpful before and I knew that if I was dying in the street, they'd come find me...but I wanted to try not to be a burden. I wanted to try and do it without them.
So I went online and found some. I was too scared to call a lot but found the courage to call one. I told him where I was...in SA's apartment...and asked him if it was close. He said, "Yes." I asked if I could come by and see it right then. He said, "Of course." All of this was in Hebrew, mind you. I grabbed my bag and headed out. I don't know why Tel Aviv scares me so much. Maybe it's the language and the newness. I'm never comfortable in new places...alone...
Anyway, I walked. It wasn't QUITE as close as he'd said but I eventually got there. I called some people and gave them the address just in case...I'd never visited an apartment alone...with a guy living there...I'm paranoid. Anyway, I went up and saw the place...met the guy...met his big cute doggie. It's lovely and clean and all the shared furniture is brand new and pretty. He has a cleaning lady come every other week. He's super clean. He's nice. We chatted.
There's no window in the bedroom but there is a little door to a private balcony. It's not horrible.
I had to think on it. It was too good to be true.
I told him I'd call him.
I called HK and LL right away and asked them to go with me the next day. I needed second opinions. I needed stamps of approval. I wanted them to tell me that they could live there themselves...that the guy wasn't creepy...that the dog was cute...that the window thing wasn't too horrible.
I called him the next morning...yesterday...and asked if I could come by again. He said, "Sure." I took a new bus to Tel Aviv and found my own way to the right place...I had lined up one other apartment to see on the same street. Saw that one alone. Met LL on the street and walked up to meet HK. We went in. They liked it. They liked him. They encouraged me.
I told him I'd call him that same evening. He said he was seeing one other person but that if I wanted it, he would not accept other calls. He just wanted to be done with it. I told him I needed to think about it for a minute and call him.
I ate a sandwich. The girls encouraged me.
I called and left him a message at 10:30 last night and waited.
I called him again this morning and he answered the phone using my name...good sign.
All of the following was in Hebrew...
"Hey, how are you?" he asked.
"Good, and you?"
"Good. I fell asleep early last night, I'm sorry I missed your call. So...what's up?" he asked.
"So...I want to live with you...if it's ok with you," I said.
He laughed and called me "Chamuda" which is basically like "Cutie."
"Of course it's fine," he said.
"What now?" I asked.
He said he'll call me after work tonight and we'll figure it out.
I hung up the phone and started crying. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I might have found a place. The first one...all on my own. It means I would have an apartment in Tel Aviv...it means that I would be LIVING in Israel...paying rent...working...
Is this really happening!?
If he doesn't call, I will be so upset.
If he does call...I'm starting my brand new life next week...move in is around 1 March...
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In April, I'll be going to visit my parents and friends in the US.
Departing Israel
7 April - wee hours of the morning
Arriving US
7 April - late afternoon
Departing US
22 April - morning
So happy to have something to look forward to...nachos, Baskin Robbins mint chocolate chip ice cream, Chinese food that doesn't make me gag...
Now if I can just get through exams, find an apartment and mend a broken heart before then...that would be fantastic!
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I translated the song (see entry like 2 posts down)...you know since I have an exam today that I haven't begun to study for. I needed something to help me procrastinate. So here it is...in all it's glory. The song that still makes me cry after like 4 years...
And the biggest thing here is that I just translated this myself. Only had to look up a few words. Four years ago...I asked someone else to translate it for me and never thought I'd EVER be able to translate a song. I should give myself more credit...
...on a lot of things...
דרכנו
"Our Path"
The candle light is mixed with the light of the moon.
On the pillow your hair is spilled.
In the window, the treetops are blossoming.
And the quiet returned, we see according to the smile.
There was a storm, here passing through her.
And your face again is peaceful like the face of the sea.
With the light, we need to walk on.
Many more paths, the journey still isn't finished.
It's not easy. Our path isn't easy.
And your eyes are sometimes sad.
There are other flowering fields before us.
Other tall mountains, and cold summits.
There are shards of light in your tears
And again a smile finds its way to me
All our good things before you
Put your head on my shoulder, put your hand in mine.
The candle hasn't yet gone out
The blessed quiet hasn't yet been defeated
The noise of the day will begin to split.
You won't walk on your own. I will be there with you.
It's not easy. Our path isn't easy.
And your eyes are sometimes sad.
There are other flowering fields before us.
Other tall mountains, and cold summits.
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I was sitting here trying to recall the reasons I made aliyah...and this song came over the loud speaker. I'm sitting in a coffee shop in my little town and I was trying to make a list for myself. Something to focus on or something. Anyway...this song came on and I remembered my trip in 2002. I just need to focus on that trip and on my experiences during that time. It's not like I don't have my reasons for being here...but now is the time I really need to find them and remember them...and focus on them rather than on him.
I'm going to translate this song later...for the English speakers...and because it's also good practice for me.
דרכנו
ביצוע: שרית וינו אלעד וחני פירסטנברג
מילים: יענקל'ה רוטבליט
אור הנר נמהל באור הירח
על הכר שיערך שפוך
בחלון צמרת עץ פורח
והשקט חזר, רואים לפי החיוך
סערה היתה, הנה חלפה לה
ופנייך שוב רוגעות כפני הים
עם האור נוסיף ללכת הלאה
עוד הדרך רבה, המסע עדיין לא תם
לא קלה היא, לא קלה דרכנו
ועינייך לפעמים כה נוגות
עוד שדות פורחים יש לפנינו
עוד הרים גבוהים, וצונני פסגות
רסיסים של אור בדמעותייך
וחיוך שוב מגשש דרכו אלי
כל הטוב עודנו לפנייך
שימי ראש על כתפי, תני לי ידך בידי
עוד מעט יתם הנר לגווע
עוד מעט יובס השקט המבורך
המולת היום תתחיל לבקוע
לא תלכי לבדך, אני אהיה שם איתך
לא קלה היא, לא קלה דרכנו...
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