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Mosh Ben Ari performed in Kikar Rabin the other night...for free. I get home so late from work these days and I'm always so tired...so I kind of just assumed I wouldn't make it. We parked the car at 7:30 and I called YK to see how the crowd was. His performance was scheduled for 9 and if the crowd was unbearable, I wasn't going to bother heading down. She happily told me that she had a table towards the front and that it wasn't crowded at all. I picked up the pace and headed to my apartment to drop off my bag before heading down to the square.
I arrived and made my way through the crowd to find YK and her friend. They really DID have a table sort of near the front and I was suddenly happy I'd hurried.
We sat and chatted and LL showed up. And then Mosh. And his wonderfulness. Nothing will ever beat the very first time I saw him perform but I swear I'll never get tired of it. Each time that I've seen him perform, I've always wondered if he'd play ועוד יום because it's only my most favorite song ever. Besides the fact that if LE and I were to have had a song, that would be it...besides that...it's just a most beautiful melody. And it was one of the first songs I translated. I remember sitting on the floor with YC and playing it over and over again so he could hear each word and help me understand the song.
Anyway, he's never performed it when I've seen him. It's a duet with a woman. And he's never had a woman up there to perform it with. So after singing a few songs on his own...when he announced that Din Din Aviv would be joining him on stage, I kind of had this feeling that I'd finally see him perform my song live. She is adorable and wonderful and I love to watch her perform. She gets really "into" it -- and you can tell she's really part of each word and note she sings. I saw her a few times on TV and she performed at the Yom HaZikaron ceremony last month. He gave her the spotlight and she sang her song מוכרת לי מפעם. I happily sang along and swayed with the crowd.
And then Mosh joined her. And I heard the first few notes of my song. And the tears just came out. I didn't really expect that reaction. I've been doing amazingly well lately -- not really thinking about him but working on myself and doing the things I need to do. The other day, the secretary at my job came over and started telling me this story about how she went to a dance class and the teacher was familiar to her. And she used the feminine form of the word "teacher" so I knew it wasn't him...but as she told her story, I was waiting for her to connect it to him...because otherwise she wouldn't be mentioning the story to me at all. And my heart was racing and I was thinking about how ridiculous it was that I couldn't even hear a story about dancers without panicking a little...or without having my heart hurt a little. The end of the story was that the teacher was on THIS season of the TV show that he was on. And I kind of just smiled...uncomfortable-like. I was really disappointed in my physical reaction to her words. I didn't realize that my heart would jump into my throat like that. But it did.
And so I watched the performance. And I cried. And I'm actually not really sure if I was crying because it's our song...or because it's just so beautiful. Or maybe I'm just dramatic and cry too much. Or maybe it was all of that.
But I stood there...in the middle of thousands of people...and I cried and sang and took it all in. And it was nearly perfect.
And as the performance wound down...he sang familiar songs and new songs...and just hearing his voice all around me made me warm. Well...his voice and the fact that they crammed thousands of dancing Israelis inside a tent in May made me warm. He exited the stage and we cheered for an encore. What it a Mosh Ben Ari concert without "V'eich sh'lo" ??
And out he came...and he sang it. And I joined in with the crowd. And as we all sang together...I looked around and for the first time, I actually felt part of that crowd. I knew all those words...the song reminds me of distant memories...just like all the Israelis in that tent. I smiled and felt proud of myself and kept on singing.
I think it was just what I needed.
Just what I needed...to remind me why I'm here.
That perhaps I moved to Israel to be with LE...and maybe it's not the best reason to move your life around the world. Especially considering it didn't work out...
But I made aliyah because I love Israel. I love the lemonana and I love Mosh Ben Ari. I love the Tel Aviv beach and the cafe culture. I love cafe hafuch and shnitzel...but not at the same time ;) I love fresh baked challah and the calmness of Shabbat -- even in the heart of the city. I love the park by my apartment and the "arsim" blaring bad trance music from their cars. I love hearing broken Hebrew everywhere and realizing that we're all immigrants and I love the kiosks where you can buy everything from beer to toilet paper to a portable grill. I love the way Israelis jump around with HUGE smiles and call it "dancing." I love the low-waisted jeans and t-shirts with sequins.
I love being here.
Despite the hard things.
Despite the culture shock.
Despite the constant uphill battle.
Thanks for the reminder, Mosh.
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Speaking of shuffling people around in drawers...
I was unfriended by Mosh Ben Ari on MySpace. I was formerly in his top friends and now I don't even exist. Doesn't he know that I call him my boyfriend?
I put one of his songs on my profile and sent another invitation.
Maybe we'll be friends again someday.
Was it something I said?
Ha ha ha!
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זה הזמן
ביצוע: מוש בן ארי
מילים ולחן: מוש בן ארי
זה הזמן להתעורר ולהסכל גבוה
אל השמיים מעל להביט
כמה שיותר לנגוע
לקבל את כל מה שקורה את כל מה שקרה
לתת סליחה אל מה שיהיה ולכל מה שהיה
כי זה הזמן לדעת לקבל תשובה
ולעוף גבוה, להבין אותה
ובאחד לנגוע לקוות שהנה הנה היא באה
עד הרגע הרגע הבא
אז הנה היא באה, הנה היא באה,
הנה היא באה, הנה היא באה
זה הזמן להתעורר ולהסכל גבוה
אל השמיים מעל להביט
כמה שיותר לנגוע
לקבל את כל מה שקורה את כל מה שקרה
לתת סליחה אל מה שיהיה ולכל מה שהיה
כי זה הזמן לדעת לקבל תשובה
ולעוף גבוה, להבין אותה
ובאחד לנגוע לקוות שהנה הנה היא באה
עד הרגע הרגע הבא
אז הנה היא באה...
זה הזמן להתעורר
זה הזמן להתעורר ולהסתכל גבוה
זה הזמן להתעוררIt's time to wake up and look high To the sky and see what there is to see How much more to touch Receive all that will happen and all that has already happened Give pardon to what will happen and what has already happened. Because it is time to to know and receive and the answer And to fly high and understand it. And in one to touch to hope and here she comes. Until the moment comes... Repeat
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I went north for the Mosh Ben Ari show last night. After much debating and considering my energy levels and debating the appropriateness of going out really late when I know I have tons of work to do...after ALL of that...I threw caution to the wind and went. I mean, really folks, it's my first Purim in Israel and it's like a mitzah to get drunk...so drunk that you can't tell the difference between the villain and the hero of the story (found in the Book of Esther).
I also love Mosh Ben Ari and he lives in Australia these days so how often will I get to see him live on stage?
I also need to get out more and stop thinking about LE and what he might be doing...what we might have been doing together to celebrate...I need to get over all of that and move on. Anyway, the latest is that I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he's seeing someone. Weird, isn't it? I just know I haven't spoken one single word or exchanged a single e-mail or text message with him in two weeks now. He has a lot of growing up to do and I hope he's doing it. Or maybe he isn't. Maybe he just resorted to being young and alone and not wanted to find out his own potential. That is also an option. Wouldn't it be a waste?
Anyway...LL convinced me to get my crap together and go out last night. I coordinated with YH and he agreed to give us a ride so LL came over and we waited. When YH arrived, I recognized one of the friends in the car and met the other. We drove north and arrived at a surreal surreal place. A lot of the people were in costume, as is customary, but there were some (like us) who were not. The crowd was really mixed...young and old...beautiful and less beautiful...dancing and sitting...drinking and smoking...drugs and chaos. The place wasn't that full so it's not like people were hanging off the walls or anything but it was definitely fun to watch for a while. We drank and prepared ourselves for the performance...I was excited.
Mosh kept walking by us...to the bar and the bathroom and all around the venue. I watched his head bob through the crowd...he's pretty tall and easy to spot. LL had had a few drinks and decided that it was her turn to meet him. She wandered over and approached him and told him (in Hebrew) that his music was really special and he has a wonderful voice and that she heard his music a while ago and that's it's been a big part of her aliyah. She wasn't really sure what to expect but he just kind of looked at her and said (in English), "Thank you very much."
And that was it.
I mean...he's not the warmest person on earth. I thought it was just me and the uncomfortable-ness of my unfortunate meeting...but it was actually not completely the fault of myself or the creepy H guy. Mosh is also apparently a bit uncomfortable with random people and doesn't get in there and make everyone feel loved...you know, since we are the ones buying his albums and paying 100 shekels a pop to see him in concert...three times in 6 months, even.
It's ok though...no one is perfect. Maybe this is what makes him more human. He had been almost mythical in my head. His voice and lyrics and music and existence. And now I know that he's a bit shy or awkward or uncomfortable...and that means he's human.
It's lovely, actually.
So I drank a lot. Danced a lot. Filled my soul with beautiful music and felt really good. I love this country. I love that I went to a Mosh Ben Ari concert and he opened the set with two classic Purim songs and the crowd was wild and dancing and singing together. I love that I went to two Mosh performances in one week and he played exactly the same songs...maybe in a different order...and I didn't care. Every word was a breath of fresh air. I love that I can sing along to lots of his songs and every time I sing, I understand ONE MORE word or ONE MORE phrase...and it's like putting puzzles together.
I love that we're all Jews here...well not all of us but you know, we're not a minority...and we all celebrate our holidays and rejoice and sing and dance when we can. I love that I am here and that I'm settling into a life and a routine. I love that I had this inside of me and that I was brave enough to get myself here. I love that LE re-lit a candle that had started to wane and now I have taken that little flame and started to build a fire...even without him. I've surprised myself in many ways in the last 12 months of my life. I'm doing things I never thought I could...and I'm doing it pretty darn well.
I love this country.
Thank G-d I am lucky enough to be here.
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Mosh last night was fantastic. I'm not sure what it is about that man...his voice, his words, the way he moves his body, the memories I attach to his songs...I'm just overwhelmed by his existence. It's kind of a weird thing, actually because I feel like I'm a 13-year-old girl again at a New Kids on the Block concert or something. His songs make me cry and his presence is breathtaking. It's a much more mature obsession, of course, because things are in perspective. He won't sweep me off me feet and carry me away to serenade me until sunrise...I'm aware of that and surely wasn't when I was 13. I was convinced that Jon Knight would meet me by the car and we'd drive off into the moonlight or something.
HK and LL and I were right up front...right near the stage...swaying and laughing and crying. Part of the overwhelming-ness may also be that I'm beginning to understand more and more of the lyrics as he sings. The lyrics used to just be jumbled noises that I'm sing along to but now they're actually WORDS and POEMS and they're coming to life as my vocabulary grows.
After the show, we ran into one of YH's friends and chit-chatted a bit. Mosh lived in YH's neighborhood and they used to hang out at parties so I figured that anyone in YH's circle might have a wee-itty-bitty chance of getting us back there to meet the man. I kind of wish YH had been there instead because I know him and he doesn't really creep me out...but some of his friends do. Anyway so his friend, A, introduced me to this guy, H, who said he'd take me backstage. I asked if LL could go with me because I'm shy and embarrassed and couldn't do it alone. Alas, no, I had to go alone. LL smiled and sent me on my way...it was our big moment and I was the lucky one to have this opportunity.
H led me to the backstage area and we stood against the wall for a few minutes, watching as people milled around Mosh. I thought we were waiting for a polite moment to sneak in and have a chat...but I know realize that H is just a dirty old man who was trying to get me to go home with him. I LATER found out that he's freaking married with three kids and it made me even more sick. He was creepy but dammit...he was my only connection to Mosh at that moment.
FINALLY...we had the moment. He walked me over and leaned in to give Mosh and hug and probably tell him that I'm crazy or something. Mosh just kind of stood back and smiled...I smiled and stared and the only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Na'im me'od" ("Nice to meet you"). We smiled awkwardly at each other and then H swept me out of the room. And that was it. That was my once-in-a-lifetime moment. I could die. I've never experienced anything so anti-climactic in my entire life. Damn that creepy old man for taking away my moment.
I called YH immediately and told him what happened. There's another show on Monday, he said. Maybe he can get us tickets. Maybe I can have another chance to fix it. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never stand in front of that man again...who knows.
All I know is that he is larger than life and I feel so ridiculously silly for being so overwhelmed by his existence. But alas I am.
It's now 09:45 a.m. and I haven't gotten a phone call from my boss. I haven't gotten any emails from her since before Shabbat. I sent her a ton of stuff last night when I got home from the concert...
I get my bed delivered today. Hopefully they won't yell at me like the bed frame people did.
My neck is killing me. LL and I took the dog to the park yesterday and I somehow ended up having my feet pulled out from under me. It was like being in a movie...my feet flew straight out in front of me and I felt the shock of the ground shoot up to my neck. All I could do was laugh because I'm sure everyone around me was laughing...and it actually didn't hurt like that time I fell and bruised my tailbone on the ice...but I knew that my neck would remind me of the moment for a while. And it is...I can barely move it.
Busy busy busy.
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I'm going to see Mosh Ben Ari tonight. My wish-he-could-be-a-boyfriend. My love. I'm stoked. I'm hoping it will be better and more fabulous than the first concert I saw a few months ago with LE and LL. I'm also hoping I keep myself composed and don't end up in tears.
Such is life.
But I love this man and his music. I love his words and his sounds. I love the way he puts life to his poetry and brings warmth to my heart. He could be the best boyfriend, really...makes me smile when I need to smile, wraps me up in comfort when I'm sad or lonely, always there when I need him, never too far away, knows just what to say and when to say it...
I'm hoping to hear my favorite song that wasn't played at the first show...but a bit nervous that he actually will play it and then I'll be sad because it was "our" song. Curious to see if I react...and how.
A night of beautiful melodies with fun friends is just what I needed tonight...
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זה הזמן להתעורר means "It is time to wake up." It's a song by Mosh Ben Ari. I love it. Last night, I felt like I woke up. LE, LL and I went to a Mosh Ben Ari concert and when he opened his mouth to sing his first song, I started crying. There I was...THAT girl! But the feeling was so overwhelming I didn't know what to do with it except to let it out.
If you know me well, you know I'm basically in love with Mosh Ben Ari. I was introduced to him by accident by LE when he was still in the US about two years ago. As soon as the CD started to play, I couldn't stop smiling and it just made me happy. Since then, I've followed him closely and had his new CD sent to me in the US when it came out last year. I'm not sure what it is about this man...he's hairy and looks like he could possible smell bad...but I am strangely attracted to him. I'll give him some slack and say that he's much more attractive in person than he is in his pictures. He has a presence that I haven't witnessed in many performers.
We walked into the venue...not sure what to expect...and were ushered to a small table at the front. Not just at the front...we were basically sitting on the stage. Not really but when I leaned back in my chair, I could prop my feet on the stage...which I did. I was looking at the two chairs with mics on the stage, one was just barely within arms reach and the other was on the other side of the small stage. I was like "He'll probably sit way over there." An hour later, he walked out onto stage and sat right in front of me. I mean...if I'd really wanted to touch him, I could have. He opened the performance with קחי אותי alone. Just him and a guitar. I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and reality and life...and I felt the tears begin to well up. Next, the band joined him and they played עד אלי which is the first song I ever heard from him...because it's the first song on his first CD. The tears just came out. There I was...in this cute little intimate venue in Herzliyya...Mosh Ben Ari was within arm's reach and I was experiencing my first concert in Israel.
It just doesn't get better than that. It's like a dream come true. I know I must sound so completely corny right now but I can't really explain to someone else what it feels like to have fulfilled a dream and what it feels like when that dream suddenly feels real. I have moved to Israel. I live here now. I know I've been here for three months...but it never felt as real as it did last night as I sat there and absorbed every word, every note, every melody that came from that man's body.
I live in Israel. I've done the impossible. I'm doing what I want to be doing. I'm happy. The lyrics to my favorite songs are starting to make sense to me because I'm learning so much Hebrew. It's like being in a fog and slowly, the fog lets up and things come into focus. They're not quite in focus just yet...but that fog is lifting! And my favorite songs are just getting better because the words are so important to some music...and they get under your skin and move you. Music is food and life...and the words just make it even that much better.
I miss my family and I miss my friends...the ones who knew me when I wore pink glasses...but I am here and I'm fulfilling a dream. For that, I am proud and happy and excited. Last night, I woke up... התעוררתי ... and it hit me...
And seeing my favorite musician wasn't so bad either!
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Funny how when I try to break ties...I come home and find that the CD I've been waiting for FOREVER...has finally arrived from Israel with a note from LE...
And the even funnier part is that we pretty much gave up on the CD and he was gonna buy me a new one to send back with SBD...and then SBD left before that happened. And then he was gonna just mail me another one but SBD called this morning to tell me that when she went shopping with our mutual friend, she asked for music recommendations and he gave her a few to buy...and when she got in the car this morning, she pulled out one of the CDs she'd bought and realized it was מוש בן ארי (Moosh Ben Ari)...so she was gonna copy it for me.
So I called LE this morning to tell him not to send me another...even though I didn't want to talk to him for a few weeks...and now the fucking CD is here. And I should call and let him know and thank him for the trouble...but really...I can't talk to him. So I think I'm gonna just wait on that. Or I'll have a moment of weakness and call him in the morning. You never can tell with me...
And if you know me...you know I'm freaking OBSESSED with מוש בן ארי. We often refer to him as "my boyfriend." Yeah. Obsessed, kids.
So I open up the CD case and take out the liner notes. I'm browsing all the Hebrew to see if I know any words and I see in his "Thank you's" that he's got some English mixed in there. I look more closely and the English reads..."Big thanks to my love and partner for life Kristi for your understanding and patience and for who you are." Who she is...is obviously AMERICAN...or British or something...and almost certainly not Jewish! And so my heart breaks again.
Why doesn't he love me!?
Well...in this case, it's because he never met me. At least it's not something like how I'm in another country or something...
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LE called me today. Not once but twice. It drives me crazy. I hate it and I love it and I hate it. I could pull my hair out.
So I'm sitting in my office and it was such a busy day today. I had two legal pad pages full of tasks and I think I crossed off two items. SOO busy and so many meetings. I had a few moments of quiet and I was sitting in my office when I heard my cell phone ringing the special "someone's calling from Israel" ring. I thought it was weird because I'd just called him the other night...maybe Monday night...and I've been so good about not calling all the time.
I picked it up and I heard a lot of noise in the background. He said, "Alo? Can you hear this?" He put the phone out into the air and I heard music. I knew it had to be some sort of music that I like since he was calling me to play it for me so I listened intently and tried to figure it out. It wasn't anything I recognized. He got back on the phone and asked me if I knew what it was and I told him I didn't. I said, "Can I get a hint?" And he said, "It's your favorite."
מוש בן ארי
Moosh Ben Ari.
LE was on a beach in Herzeliya (on the Mediterranean Sea, south of Haifa and just north of Tel Aviv) and מוש בן ארי was performing right in front of him. I was freaking out! How freaking JEALOUS was I!?
"You're seeing מוש בן ארי so you think about me?"
He said, "I had to call you because I knew you would be so excited about it. Anytime I am hearing מוש בן ארי, I think about you."
I told him to enjoy the show and to absorb it all for me since I couldn't be there and he asked if I'd received the package he'd sent me yet. I haven't. He is sending me the new מוש בן ארי CD, in fact...and it should be here any day now.
We hung up and I tried to focus on work but was so distracted. Not only did I get a call from him today...but it was also מוש בן ארי. And on top of both of those things, I felt like it was the first time in a loooooooooong time that LE has made a connection between something in his life...and me. And I wanted to cry.
I ran around and went to a few more meetings...went to lunch...went down the hall for a while and then came back into my office and as soon as I sat down, the phone rang again and I picked it up.
"How was the rest of the concert? I am so jealous about it!"
He said, "You are not going to believe this..."
"WHAT!?"
"I went up to him and told him I have a special friend in America who is crazy about him. I told him that you would be so excited to have his signature. So I got him to write you a message...and I will send it to you."
"WHAT!?"
"You are going to have to believe me though because I could not take a picture when I was standing with him."
I can't believe he did that for me. Maybe none of you know him like I do...but he's not the type of person to do this. He's quiet. He's not necessarily shy but he definitely doesn't seek attention. He doesn't really walk up to strangers or talk to people without a purpose. It's honestly one of the sweetest things ever...and it's even sweeter because it's him.
And it makes my heart hurt knowing that it's just not in the realm of realities right now. And I sit here and wonder why the fuck I moved west instead of going east...towards Jerusalem. Not really for LE -- but he's a reminder of all the things I want right now. Things I can't have. Things in Israel. Things that aren't even really things at all...
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So in case you didn't know, my latest obsession is מוש בן ארי (Moosh Ben-Ari). He was in a band called "Sheva" but he's been doing solo stuff for a while and he is just an amazing singer/musician/songwriter. His songs are like poetry. The kind that might make a girl blush or DREAM about life with a man who worships her.
His latest song is called את ("You"). If you can at all read or understand Hebrew, you must read these lyrics.
ואת, איך שאת יודעת אותי
את, איך שאת נוגעת בי
את, איך שאת אוהבת אותי, את
ואת, איך שאת מכילה חולשתי
איך שאת קשובה לליבי, את
איך שאת אוחזת ידי
את כמה שיותר גבוה
כמה שיותר לנגוע
כמה שיותר בך
כמה שיותר גבוה
את, איך שאת לוקחת אותי
את, איך שבלילות לצידי, את
איך שאת לומדת אותי, את
ואת, איך שבצחוקך שמחתי
את, איך בדמעתך כאבי, את
את, איך בהיותך היותי
את כמה שיותר גבוה
כמה שיותר לנגוע
כמה שיותר בך
כמה שיותר גבוה
If you can't read or understand Hebrew...I don't know what to tell you other than this song makes you want to be in love. He's basically telling someone that she is the best thing that exists. That nothing is better than being beside her. That in her tears is his pain and in her sheer existance is his being. It's amazingly beautiful. מוש -- come do a US tour!!
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