Date: 2007-03-17 13:31 Subject: The state of affairs Security: Public In my heart: contemplative In my head: מוש בן ארי Tags: aliyah, change, friends, israel, life, reflections

So I'm busy re-framing a lot. Relationships changing. People changing. Standards changing. I think life is kind of funny sometimes...the patterns we repeat and the habits we can't break.

I think 2007 has so far been quite introspective for me. It's kind of sad and wonderful...strange and exciting to think about how much I grew in 2006 and how I've ended up where I have. It's weird to think about who is around me these days and who is close. Who has been replaced or refiled. Who has been moved or shuffled in my relationship armoire.

That's been a theme here for 2007. Like imagine everyone you know is in some drawer in an armoire of relationships. Sometimes you have to move people from one drawer to another because of circumstances or time...or whatever.

It's weird that I've come up with this analogy at all considering that I hate being put into a box and labeled. But it's not really a box and it's not really a label. They're drawers and they're movable and they get shuffled. And sometimes it IS that simple...someone just goes from the top drawer...the one that houses the secrets and fears and keys to hearts and all of that...and at the blink of an eye, they request to be moved...or I just have to move them...

I think I've just had a lot of practice in my life.
Moving people around.
Finding the drawer that fits them best.
Either because they asked or because something happened and I realized that it needed to be done regardless.
Because it's not like you want to just erase someone. Perhaps you learned a lesson from him or her. Perhaps you overcame a challenging period of life together.

Some people are for a reason.
Some for a season.
Some forever.

Isn't that the saying?

So I rather like to think that people don't necessarily have to just stick around for a season. You can extend the half-life by simply finding a new drawer.

Like LE. He's not been thrown into the waste basket. He just asked to be moved from that top drawer. He saw the contents and you know...it's stressful being there and seeing it. He wasn't ready for all that. I was a bit unstable upon my arrival. As to be expected. I just think as much as he says he's realistic and all of that...he is a romantic dreamer. He had this vision in his head that turned out to be a little darker when it came to real life fruition. I'm not sorry for being unstable. I moved here alone, didn't I?

I made a gamble.
In some respects, I lost.
In other ways...in bigger ways...in ways that I hadn't planned on...I gained.

I'm still here, aren't I?

I laid on the grass in the park the other day. Smiling and laughing. Looking at the clouds as they changed shapes and moved through the bluest sky. I laid there for hours. Not a care in the world but what was happening in the grass.

"Is this the best you ever?" he asked.

I didn't even really have to stop and think about it. I blurted out my "YES" with a huge grin and thought about how freaking far I've come to get to that very moment in a Tel Aviv park. My instability is stabilizing.

It's like being on a seesaw and having different partners rotate...and slowly slowly...the opposing force facing you becomes more and more like-minded...more and more of an equal...to the point where eventually, the forces of balance even out. And the ups and downs aren't nearly as dramatic. But you're still on a seesaw and you're still riding it out.

And I'm amazed at how many metaphors I just used in this one entry.

But it's all true.
I am the best me so far.
I'm happy and facing forward.
Funny how Israel has brought out the very best and they very worst points in my life. All in the span of a year and a half. The highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. Professionally, emotionally, physically, mentally.

If I'm the best me so far at 19 months in...I'm kind of looking forward to the rest of the ride.